Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!
10:01 am
Sat January 26, 2013

Panel Round Two

Transcript

CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. We're playing this week with Maz Jobrani, Amy Dickinson and Roy Blount, Jr. And here again is your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you so much, Carl.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: In just a minute, Carl and Zooey Deschanel announce their new side project, She and Lim. It's our listener limerick challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924.

Right now, panel, time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Roy, a computer programmer got fired last week when it turned out that for months he was supposed to be working from home but he had been doing what?

ROY BLOUNT, JR.: Sneakily working from the office.

SAGAL: No.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's funny, though, sneaking in, getting away from the wife and kids, sitting in his cubicle. No.

JR.: He had been working from like some other country.

SAGAL: Sort of, except he hadn't been doing the work. He had?

JR.: Beyonce had been doing the work.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

JR.: He had been...

SAGAL: If it's good enough for Verizon customer service, it's good enough for Bob from IT.

JR.: Oh, he had outsourced his work.

SAGAL: To China.

JR.: To China.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The man was earning about 250 grand a year for writing software, and was reportedly the best developer at the firm, when in fact he was paying a guy in China to do his work, while - and this is true - he watched cat videos and shopped online all day.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The firm condemned the man's actions in an official statement signed by the CEO and written by an intern.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's kind of brilliant when you think about it.

AMY DICKINSON: Wow, it is.

SAGAL: Because basically, he got paid 250 a year and he paid 50 to the guy in China, for whom it was a fortune, and he didn't have to do anything.

MAZ JOBRANI: Delegating, it's OK.

SAGAL: Yeah.

DICKINSON: Yeah.

JR.: I don't think I could watch cat videos all day. I mean...

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Oh Roy, you could.

JR.: Well, all morning, sure.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Maz, there's a new membership card that promises to earn its holders free goods and services just by officially identifying them as what?

JOBRANI: A new membership card.

SAGAL: Yeah.

JOBRANI: That will get them new services by identifying as...

SAGAL: The idea is you pay $100 to get this membership card, and you have it and you show. It's an official looking card, restaurants and places like that, and it will get you free stuff, and good service, because it says that you are what?

JOBRANI: Polite.

SAGAL: No.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: That you are not lip-syncing.

SAGAL: No. It's like this is a nice little restaurant you got here. It would be a shame if someone Yelped about it.

JOBRANI: Oh, like you're a reviewer.

SAGAL: You're an online reviewer.

JOBRANI: Oh my god.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: So are you tired of servers treating you like a normal customer...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...instead of all-powerful amateur reviewer Doughnutlover69?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, so was entrepreneur Brad Newman, and that's why he created Reviewer Card. The very classy black card, which will set you back $100, is almost brilliant in its brevity. It reads simply, "I write reviews."

But Newman claims it will help members leverage the promise of positive reviews into discounts and free meals. Consumer Reports points out that really it gets you the same thing as the less expensive $50 Please Spit in My Food Card.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: So he's selling this to people.

SAGAL: Yes. You can get this embossed card with your name on it.

DICKINSON: Right.

SAGAL: It says I'm a reviewer and you sort of show that.

JR.: That's the kind of thing you could never make for yourself, so...

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Right. That couldn't be done.

SAGAL: Roy, this week New York Magazine reported that Donald Trump wants to buy what?

JR.: Oh, Donald Trump wants to buy - he has everything. What would he want? He wants to buy - can you give me a hint?

SAGAL: Yeah, it's like all the news that's fit to comb over.

(LAUGHTER)

JR.: He wants to buy The New York Times.

SAGAL: He does.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

JR.: Well.

SAGAL: Sources close to Mr. Trump, who are the unluckiest sources of all...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...say he's been having meetings about the potential acquisition. It's a simple scheme: Trump plans to take over the old grey lady then divorce her for a young blonde lady.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's rumored he wants to increase readership with old standbys like a sexy Page 3 Girl, like they have in Britain.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But in a compromise with Nicholas Kristof they'll be featuring a Page 3 Child Soldier.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Sorry.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: You know, I...

JR.: That could have been more tasteless, actually.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We always like to leave a little margin between us and the edge.

Amy, the world was abuzz this week with the news that a professor of early humanity from Harvard was looking for an adventurous woman to do what?

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: He...

JOBRANI: Aren't we all?

DICKINSON: Does it involve dressing in a certain kind of...

SAGAL: No.

DICKINSON: Does it involve a diorama?

SAGAL: No.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It involves doing something that only a woman can do.

DICKINSON: Giving birth to a...

SAGAL: To a?

DICKINSON: Cro-Magnon.

SAGAL: Close enough, a Neanderthal.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

DICKINSON: Oh.

SAGAL: A Neanderthal baby.

(APPLAUSE)

DICKINSON: Oh, well I had one of those.

SAGAL: The idea was that this doctor of genetics actually, at Harvard was putting out the call that he needs a woman to bear a Neanderthal child. But in a disappointment to adventurous women everywhere, the whole thing was a translation error.

He was talking to a German newspaper, Der Spiegel, that if, hypothetically, if he wanted to create a Neanderthal baby, well then he would need an adventurous woman to bear the child. But since he's not going to do that, there's no need for interested women to get in touch with him via email or at his office number, which is listed online and in the phone book and in phone booths all around Harvard Square.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He also said that the Neanderthal donor is into long walks on the veldt...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...charred meat, and brow ridges. No phonies, and send a picture of your most recent kill.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: It really sounds like a Hugh Grant movie, I mean when you think about it.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: It can be a "Look Who's Talking" movie.

DICKINSON: Totally. Totally.

JOBRANI: Look Who's Grunting.

DICKINSON: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Aren't all babies Neanderthals when...

DICKINSON: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: They kind of are.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: True. How can you tell?

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.

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