Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!
11:35 pm
Fri May 17, 2013

Who's Bill This Time

Originally published on Sat May 18, 2013 11:09 am

Transcript

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm legendary anchorman Bill Kurtis, filling in for Carl Kasell.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you everybody. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. We've got a great show for you today. We've got Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Alice Cooper. He'll be playing our game later.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: But first, we learned this week that the number one country song in America right now, called "I Drive Your Truck," was inspired by an NPR story. This is true. And we further found out that it's not the first country song inspired by an NPR story. You may remember these.

KURTIS: I'm proud to be a coal miner's daughter, but let's also look for alternative energy issues.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: I've got friends in affluent urban places.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's time to hear you sing. Give us a call at 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

ANDREW SHACKETT: Hi, my name's Andrew Shackett. I'm from White Bear Lake, Minnesota, but currently living in South Minneapolis.

SAGAL: Oh, South Minneapolis, that sounds nice. So, Andrew, what do you do for a living?

SHACKETT: I run a restaurant.

SAGAL: And is that a good business these days?

SHACKETT: You know, it is. We have a focus on craft beer.

SAGAL: Oh, yeah.

SHACKETT: So I get a lot of free craft beer samples.

BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: You're saying craft, right?

SHACKETT: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

TOM BODETT: The ones who make the Velveeta.

SAGAL: Yeah.

KYRIE O'CONNOR: Right.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Andrew. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a comedian and director whose new movie is called "Willow Creek." It's Bobcat Goldthwait.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, a senior editor and columnist for the Houston Chronicle, Ms. Kyrie O'Connor.

(APPLAUSE)

O'CONNOR: Hi, Andrew.

SHACKETT: Hi.

SAGAL: Finally, a blogger for cartalk,com and the newest member of the Clio Advertising Hall of Fame - there is a Clio Advertising Hall of Fame - Mr. Tom Bodett.

(APPLAUSE)

BODETT: Hey, Andrew.

SAGAL: Andrew, welcome to the show. Let's get started with Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis, filling in for Carl Kasell, will recreate for you three quotes from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you win the big prize, Carl's voice on your voicemail. Ready to go?

SHACKETT: I am.

SAGAL: Now, your first quote comes from a woman named Lois Lerner, who is a former director at the IRS.

KURTIS: I'm not good at math.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Which might be a problem at the IRS. In fact, if might have got her in trouble because she was one of the officials who got caught doing what?

SHACKETT: That would be focusing on Tea Party applications.

SAGAL: Right, exactly right, targeting conservatives.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Very good, yes. I don't know about you guys, but when I thought of government agencies that might turn out to be a villain, I never suspected the IRS.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, the way it works is it is the IRS' job to approve applications for tax-exempt status for social welfare groups that are usually political organizations. Now we've learned the IRS was giving extra scrutiny to the conservative applicants, especially ones with words like "tea party" and "patriot" in their names, because you've got to watch out for those patriots.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: I don't think anybody should be singled out, but if you complain about high taxes a lot...

SAGAL: Yeah.

GOLDTHWAIT: I think the IRS is going to put the screws to you.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: There's too much taxes. There's too much taxes. Hmm, who should we audit?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This is a true story. There was a conservative group called Media Trackers, right. And they just couldn't get anything going with the IRS. It was constantly being delayed for months and months and months. So the guy in charge of it submitted a new application under the name Greenhouse Solutions and got approved in three weeks. True story.

If the key to getting the IRS to be nice to you is having a liberal-sounding name, this could work for individuals, right. So, you know, just go to the IRS, put down your tax return and say, yes, my name is Pro-Choice Johnson.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: I just use Ed Begley.

SAGAL: That'll work, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, very good, Andrew, here is your next quote.

KURTIS: The name's Blonde, James Blonde.

SAGAL: That was London's Daily Mail newspaper, Andrew, talking about a man who was caught allegedly doing what while wearing a blonde wig in Russia.

SHACKETT: Oh, the American spy that they caught.

SAGAL: Yes.

SHACKETT: He was trying to recruit spies.

SAGAL: Indeed. Move over, James Bond.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Make way for Ryan Fogle. Or as he likes to say, the name's Fogle, Ryan - oh, what was the second part?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So this guy was caught by the Russian police, going out to recruit a Russian informant. To do this, he wore a "shaggy blonde wig," brought another such wig. He also brought a compass and an atlas of Moscow. He needed the atlas, presumably to find his way to the rendezvous. And he needed the compass to find his own ass.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: Was this our A Team that we sent, this guy?

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: You know, I think he's just - it's like an intern that just went rogue, you know.

(LAUGHTER)

O'CONNOR: Yeah.

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah.

BODETT: God, I'm in Moscow. All they ever ask me to do is get coffee. It's like...

SAGAL: I got this idea.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: Did you see the video of his takedown?

SAGAL: The Russian just sort of swarming on him?

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, yeah, but it's much funnier if you watch it with "Yakety Sax" playing.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Well maybe this is what it is. You know, that last Bond movie, "Skyfall" was all about going low tech, that the high tech stuff was not working.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: He went old school and won the day and the CIA learned.

SAGAL: This is how you do it.

BODETT: That's it. We'll go back to - the atlas is untraceable. The compasses, untraceable.

GOLDTHWAIT: But they caught him when his shoe rang.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right, your last quote comes from Whoopi Goldberg, with some touching words for one of her colleagues at "The View" who announced her retirement this week.

KURTIS: Let me tell you this: I don't give a bleep.

SAGAL: That charming sendoff was directed at what legendary journalist?

SHACKETT: Barbara Walters.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed, Barbara Walters.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Many decades ago, when she began her career, Ms. Walters was just another woman reporter reduced to doing silly celebrity stories. But through hard work, she became one of the most powerful and influential reporters of her era, which then allowed her to become the preeminent woman doing silly celebrity stories.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: During her career, she interviewed everyone, including infamous villains like Fidel Castro and Mel Gibson.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Not to mention, Hillary Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, and many other people who had sex with Bill Clinton.

(LAUGHTER)

O'CONNOR: So now, are we never going to learn what kind of tree Barbara Walters would be?

SAGAL: Well that's it, I mean because that was her thing. She'd always interview these celebrities, and she was famous for getting these celebrities to cry, right. And for that, she credited her tenacious interviewing style and her producer, a freshly chopped bag of onions.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: And her rabbit punch.

SAGAL: Yeah, she'd just whack them really hard.

GOLDTHWAIT: Right in the kidney.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. Ms. Walters says she will spend her retirement making her grandchildren cry.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Andrew do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Well, he did pretty well. I think he did perfect.

SAGAL: There he is.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Congratulations, Andrew.

SHACKETT: Well, thank you very much.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.

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